I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SAY, “NO”

“No. No thanks. I will not. I’m not available. Unfortunately no.” are just a few ways you can use to say, “No” and establish boundaries. However, why do most of us find it difficult to set and enforce boundaries with others? To feel safe in a flawed world, parents need to teach their children that it is ok to say “No”.  Children who are restricted in their ability to exercise their power and self-determination, tend to become adults who feel guilt, bad, or selfish when saying “No” and deter when trying to follow through on the boundaries they have placed.  

At the end of the day, do we want a world where we appear to be compliant on the outside while being angry and resentful on the inside? Boundaries are developed when we learn to say appropriate “No”s to others without fear of loss which allows us to develop the ability to take appropriate “No’’s from others without withdrawing emotionally. 

Here’s an example: Suzie and Mary are members of the same church group and often spend time together on play dates with their kids and would describe themselves as “good friends”.  Suzie is planning her nephew’s birthday party and at the last minute asked Mary to help set up the event and to ensure all the catering food arrived on time. Mary had a long and challenging week at her job and planned to spend the weekend resting, spending time with her family, and practicing some self-care. After Mary informed Suzie she wasn’t available, Suzie appeared surprised stating, “I thought we were friends. You can rest next week”.  Mary restated her decision refusing to let Suzie’s words change her mind. After their conversation, Suzie stopped replying to Mary’s texts and didn’t sit with her during their church service as she usually did. When Mary approached Suzie to see if she was ok, Suzie expressed she did not believe Mary was a true friend because she didn’t help her when she asked for it. Mary remained firm in her decision knowing that she needed to take care of herself first. Ultimately Mary did not allow Suzie to manipulate her based on their relationship leaving her feeling empowered and successful in enforcing those boundaries when she needed to care for herself. 

Reinforcing boundaries on individuals in our lives who do not accept “No”, which is different from being able to say “No”, is important in enjoying a peaceful self-affirming life. Individuals who tend to project responsibility for their lives and issues onto others tend to resort to different means of controlling and manipulating such as guilt-tripping as we saw in the example. We often have the ability to set limits on our own exposure to people whose behaviors are inappropriate but we do not have the power to change how people behave or feel. But what we do have is the power to acknowledge our needs, create boundaries that support our lives, and ensure we have a community that respects those boundaries within our relationships. 

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By: Dorrette Bogle-Stephenson, MSW